This May Hurt a Little But it's Something You'll Get Used To

Please don't put it into words
Cause I fear what you're thinking
It's gonna make it hurt
You better not try to make me
Believe in someone new

Faithless, on my way
Defenseless
From my heart, won't you be
Heartless here with me?
Breathless, from this night's misery
This night will start the Exile...RUN!

Now you tell me what it was worth
Was it meant to be broken?
The circle that wouldn't shed a single tear
And now you wanna redirect me
From the face of the earth
Not willing to share your time
Not near
Not far
I'm just a spectator once loved
Just fear
Just scars
A sheer introduction to what I've lost
To what I've lost...

Faithless, on my way
Defenseless
From my heart, won't you be
Heartless here with me?
Breathless, from this night's misery
From this night's misery
One more endless night...

To notice all the things I have to be...

Faithless
on my way
Won't forget...
From my heart, won't you be
Heartless, here with me?
Breathless, from this night's misery
This night will start the exile...RUN!

Everything is perfect
Everything is sick, and that's it
You can't tell me to stop it
You can't tell me not to quit
And that's it...

Revolve around yourself
It's you and no one else
Hard for me to stay
Swinging moods that change
From calmness to deranged
Unpredictable, unpredictable

You would see if
Only
You hadn't taken things out of my hands
Only
You never wanted to understand

Classing ways to live here
Compromise for me
I'm at both ends of the spectrum
You're somewhere in the between
Ah, come clean

Revolve around yourself
It's you and no one else
Hard for me to stay
Swinging moods that change
From calmness to deranged
Unpredictable, unpredictable

You would see if
Only
You hadn't taken things out of my hands
Only
You never wanted to understand

Only
You hadn't taken things out of my hands
Only
You never wanted to understand

Crucified
Terrified
Sacrifice
My whole life
My whole life
My whole life
My whole life
If only
If only
If only
If only...
I can't contain myself
I can't contain myself
I just can't take myself

I cannot wait to see your struggle within
And share the stench of your guilt
In this hysterical addiction
I shall discard your deceit
My soul is burning as your flesh crawls
Ripped from your burden of grief
Too tired to mourn and too sad to care
Just get the fuck out of here

Crawl in me
Inside my veins you're burning still
Grow in me
But in my heart you're dead for real

Get inside my house of grief
Here’s where I want you to be
Decaying slow a frantic crumble
Towards the end of your dreams

Crawl in me
Inside my veins you're burning still
Grow in me
But in my heart you're dead for real

The last time
Those years were all in vain
Come save my soul

Craving till your last breath
But still demanding respect
Just like a doll I see you falter
Shattering fragments of guilt
But I'm so tired of your blathering
Of your constant lies of your sickness
Let me close the door on your memory
And watch you burn inside my prison

Crawl in me
Inside my veins you're burning still
Grow in me
But in my heart you're dead for real

The last time
Those years were all in vain
Come save my soul

Feeble legs are fast to crumble
In a constant reverence
Save your prayers for tomorrow
Cause today you drown with me

The last time
Those years were all in vain
Come save my soul

They took the cocaine out of Coca-Cola because it was redundant. This is a scary time line of what actually happens to your body as you have a coke and a smile.

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I'm not going to make this entry "friends only" because I want to know something.

Scott...are you still lurking around out there? I know you used to stalk my LJ anonymously back in the day, so if you're still around, give me a shout! I want to hear from my Scotty 2 Hottie.

Michael Richards exploded in anger as he performed at a famous L.A. comedy club last Friday, hurling racial epithets that left the crowd gasping, and TMZ has obtained video of the ugly incident.

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My latest theme song:

Hell and Consequences - Stone Sour

I'm not a victim 'til I let you take me down
I'm not a target in the sites of your mercy
I never asked for anything
I'm not asking now
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid

I've done this on my own
And I don't care what you do to me
I won't hand over what is mine
I've done this for too long
To let you take it away from me
It's too late to stop me
Cause I refuse to die

I haven't weakened just because I've shown myself
I've taken everything except what's for granted
I'll leave hypocrisy for everybody else
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid

I've done this on my own
And I don't care what you do to me
I won't hand over what is mine
I've done this for too long
To let you take it away from me
It's too late to stop me
Cause I refuse to die

I'm not a problem 'til you make one out of spite
I'll give you Hell and Consequences for trying
You don't want an enemy
Don't fuck with my life!
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid!

I've done this on my own
And I don't care what you do to me
I won't hand over what is mine
I've done this for too long
To let you take it away from me
It's too late to stop me
Cause I refuse to die
I refuse to die!

Janet sent this cartoon to me in an email today. It just suits Eeyore so well...

Make Someone Happy with a Danyiel.

Fuck all you Live Journal people, too!

I can't make her real...

Describe me in six words or less.

This is taken from a post in Wheaton's Blog. I laughed my ass off reading this entry.

Wil and Anne Get Venereal and Magic Balls

We all know that the world's magnetic field is weakening, but could it be because we are due for a magnetic field reversal? This would mean that animals might go the wrong way during migration or the fact that compasses might swing 180 degrees and point south. The magnetic shield might even disappear for a century or two.

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Found this on Digg. It's actually kind of funny, especially the Britney Spears song. Check it out:

People say that if you listen to Stairway to Heaven backwards you here a almost clear satanic message. Various songs on this site, it will blow your mind!!

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Ok, so I was reading Wheaton's blog and even though I'm definitely not in a position to get involved in something like this, it is for a good cause. So for Wil's sake and all of the victims of Katrina, I figured that I'd blog it through Digg to raise awareness. I may not have the money or the means, or even the ability to play poker against Wheaton for Christ's sakes, but I think the whole point is that everyone should spread the word and send whatever they can to the victims down South.

Here's the official Digg blog statement about the Play Poker for Hurricane Relief Charity:

Wil Wheaton and Pokerstars.com are sponsoring poker tournaments to support relief efforts for Hurricane Katrina victims. Pokerstars will be matching all the entry fees to double the donations! All games are no-limit hold'em. This is a great way to support the relief effort. Let's all sign up and show them how supportive the Digg community can be!

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Guess who's back?

Yesterday was a day that will go down in infamy. After all the false alarms, all the near misses, the day that I've been waiting the last three and a half years for has finally arrived!! To tell the story about what happened last night, I'd have to get into what happened the day before, which was Thanksgiving. My whole family was here, everyone was trashed, as usual, but Paul seemed to be acting funny for some reason, latched onto Kevin for dear life, so I really started to get suspicious then, but wasn't quite sure what the hell was going on. I figured they were the only ones not really drinking...go figure, Kevin and Paul NOT drinking, no wonder I was suspicious...LOL. They seemed to be engaged in some heavy conversation, which was uninterrupted by me or anyone else, because God forbid we forgo our yearly Boggle tournament that happens every Thanksgiving...LOL. But I guess my point is, I was onto him, I just didn't know what for!

So yesterday, Paul had to go to work (freaking Chapman...who the fuck makes their employees work the day after Thanksgiving?), he stayed over last night and I got up with him to give him a hug & kiss before he left. Right as he was walking out the door, he turns around to me and says "We're still going out to dinner tonight, right?" I thought at that point that something was amiss, but after having a few drinks the night before, I thought that maybe he did bring up dinner and I had just forgotten about it. I must have had a puzzled look on my face or something, because he says "Perkins, remember?" and I just said "Yeah, okay." and he was off to work. I was trying to remember having some sort of conversation about going out to dinner, but for the life of me, I swear he never even brought it up.

Tracy brought Kylee over later in the day to see me, and when she asked me what I was doing later on I told her about Paul and his dinner arrangements for us at Perkins. She made this face that was absolutely priceless and said "Perkins? Who the fuck goes out to Perkins on the day after Thanksgiving?" The seed was planted. With his odd behavior on Thanksgiving and his omission about our dinner plans until the last minute, I was definitely getting suspicious. I didn't verbalize any of this to Tracy, because how many times did we think that it was going to be "the night" and I felt all salty because I was wrong before? I just sort of shrugged and said "Who the fuck knows what's going on in Paul's head half the time?" and we both laughed.

Jeaneen stopped over after that and she popped the same question: "What are you and Paul doing later?" When I told her, she just gave me this look like I was insane and said "Perkins? Why would he take you to Perkins? You can't even have a beer with your meal there." As soon as the words "Well, we did have our first date there..." came out of my mouth, I knew. Again, I didn't say anything to Jeaneen because I've been wrong before and didn't want to look like a smacked ass if I turned out to be wrong again, but by this time, I was 100% convinced that he was going to ask me to marry him.

After she left, I was pacing back and forth like a mad woman, all these thoughts were going through my head: "I'm not dressed up enough, I should get changed into something nicer. Who the fuck gets dressed up to go to Perkins, though? Stop thinking that he's gonna ask tonight, it's just another false alarm, but what if it's not a false alarm this time?" Basically, I was a mess. By the time he got here, I had convinced myself that I was bugging out for no reason and had talked myself down.

By the time he got here, I was finally starting to calm down until I took one look at him, and I couldn't help but bust out laughing at him. His face looked like he shaved with sandpaper and all I can remember saying was "What the fuck did you do, shave with sandpaper?" He was acting all sorts of nervous and he said something to the effect of "I was in a hurry...WHO DID YOU TALK TO???" I just looked at him like he was crazy and said "Tracy came over with Kylee and then Jeaneen stopped over, why do you ask?" Calm as a cucumber on the outside, but inside, it was so obvious that he was up to something.

So we get to Perkins. I was way too nervous to really eat anything, but ordered the chicken strips and kind of picked at them the entire time. We sat there, just talking, and the more time that passed by, the more I was convinced that it was just another false alarm. It was almost closing time and it was kind of obvious that the people who worked there were trying to kick everyone out, the only people left in the restaraunt were Paul and me and a table full of teenagers a couple of rows over. So the waiter brings over the check. Paul's just sitting there, and I reminded him that you have to pay at the register. He's like "Oh yeah, that's right." He stands up, as if he's going to walk over towards the register, the next thing I know, he's down on one knee, holding a ring box and says "Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife at some time in the not so distant future?" I remember screaming "NO!!! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN DRESSED UP!!" and poor Paul is just kneeling there looking at me like I was the crazy person. I busted out crying, he took my hand and said "Can you please say yes so I can stand up? The whole restaraunt is staring at us." and I started screaming "YES! YES! I'll be your wife in the not so distant future!" He slipped the ring on my hand, we started kissing, then he stood up, next thing I know, everyone in the restaraunt is clapping and the manager is congratulating us and giving us a bag of mini muffins...LOL.

OMG, my ring is SOOOO beautiful! White gold, seven diamonds, one center cut and three diamonds on each side, only thing is, it's a size and a half too big for my finger...gotta love men and their sharp attention to details! He's known for how long that my ring size is 5 and he goes and gets a 6 and a half. So we have to get it resized, but the style and the cut of the diamonds are so pretty! The first thing I did when I got in the Explorer with him after we left Perkins was call Tracy. She answers the phone and all she hears is me crying...she's all like "Dan, what's wrong?" and I said "I"m engaged!!" she starts screaming "GET OUT!! Get over here, NOW!!" So we went over Tracy & Ken's and I could just see the look on Ken's face when we got there, he started shaking his head at Paul and he's like "Oh boy, you're really in for it now!!" Tracy's freaking out and we're comparing our rings, I guess from their point of view, we must have looked like crazy women...then we get into a huge discussion about having a double wedding, it was hilarious. We stayed over there for about an hour and then came back here. My mom and Russ were sleeping so I had to wait until today to tell them.

It was classic: I came downstairs, hiding my hand behind my back and I walked into the kitchen and said "Mom, Russ, I have something to tell you guys." Russ was like "Oh no..." and I said "Calm down, I'm not pregnant...but I am engaged!" as I pulled my hand from behind my back to show them the ring. My mom started to get color back into her face and said "Oh my God, it's beautiful!" while Russ did the handshake thing with Paul...it was hilarious.

I finally found out why Paul and Kevin were acting so funny on Thanksgiving, BTW. Turns out, Paul told Kevin what he was planning on doing, and he swore him to secrecy until Saturday. He was afraid that Debbie was going to tip me off before he had a chance to pop the question, and Kevin was busting his balls all night saying shit like "Are you sure you really want to do this, you know it's not too late to save yourself! See my wife? That's what you're gonna get in 8 years, so you might wanna rethink this decision..." Kevin's such a ballbuster, but he kept good on his word, he waited until today to tell Debbie.

So that's it, folks, I'm officially off the market. It all still seems like a dream, so don't fucking pinch me!! LOL

I had a total meltdown last night, I was up until almost 5 am stressing about this new job and I don't even know why. I'm happy to have a job at all, but just the thought of being put in a new and unfamiliar situation was enough to send me off on a full blown panic attack that lasted until like 5 am. I really hope that I don't blow this one. It'll not even look bad for me, but for Debbie, too, since she's the one who got me the job. God I hope this works out.

This weekend was actually halfway decent. Paul took me out to Flatspin on Friday night, and we had an awesome time. We came back here and he stayed over and I went to work with him on Saturday so he could finish up a side work job and then he had to go to his second job. Jeaneen came over, she's all drama'd out. Beemer went back to his wife (big shock there) and she's all stressed out because she's 6 months pregnant with the idiot's kid and he's just gonna up and walk out on her like that? Pretty messed up if you ask me.

Paul came over after his second job was over on Saturday night and slept over. Yesterday he had to go home for a while, but then Jeaneen came over again. Apparently, Marie & Trish are getting on her nerves and she's all screwed up about Beemer walking out on her. I feel bad for her, but she should have known better than to get involved with a man who was separated from his wife & already has kids with. He says he's doing it for the kids, but what about the one she's carrying? Friggin men. At least I know I have a good one. I might bitch and moan about him sometimes, but I know that he loves me, and he's more than proved it in the last few months. Paul came over before he had to go to his second job last night but went home after work. I missed him so much. Now that I'm working this crazy job with crazy hours, I'm wondering how we're gonna ever get to see one another between our work schedules. Oh well, you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Oh well, I better call it a night already. I don't have to be in until 3:00 in the afternoon, but I still wanna get up at a decent time to get ready for the big day. Please, God, if you're listening, no more panic attacks. I can't afford to screw this one up!! That being said, I'm out.

OK, well it's been a few days since my last entry. I've been so busy it isn't funny, which is good, in a way, because it means less time for me to over analyze the shit out of everything, but whatever.

Me & Paul's 3rd anniversary was the other day, and since he had to work at his 2nd job, we decided to celebrate it on Friday...rather, he did, because at that point I hadn't even gone out and gotten his gift yet. This is what he shows up at my house with:

A brand, spanking new HP Pavilion with a 2.8 processor, 512 MB onboard RAM, plus 128 MB integrated RAM, 80 Gig Hard Drive, I swear there's like 8 USB ports on this shit, All kinds of media card reader slots in it for flash media, Ethernet card and the standard dial modem card, CD/RW/DVD ROM and a 17 inch Flat paneled monitor!!

I almost crapped myself, people, for real. I was so not expecting a gift like that, if anything, I thought he was going to pay off the furniture we've been making payments on or something like that, never in a million years would I have thought that he was buying me a new computer. I was crying my eyes out, not just because I thought that he spent way too much money on me, but because it's almost like it was the first time that I really truly realizes that he KNOWS me. I'm a techie girl, not a frilly or girly girl, and yeah, he could have gotten me jewelry or sexy lingerie or something else like that, but he knows that I would get more enjoyment out of having a state of the art system than what most girls would be into.

The funny part was, he called from his cell phone outside my house and told me to come out to see my gift, and let's just say that I was trying to pull off the girly shit for him by wearing "something special" that the neighbors might not find appropriate for outdoor apparel. So I had to throw on sweatpants and a long T shirt to cover that up to go out and see it. So I had to laugh at the irony of that. He was more than happy once we got inside and realized why it took me so long to come out of the house. We spent the rest of the night doing...well use your imagination here, I'm not one to kiss and tell...LOL.

So I decided that I needed to seriously tackle the mess that is this room before I set the whole thing up, because the last thing I want is to fuck it up like I did to this one. It's still isn't set up because I'm still backing up files from this computer before I put her down, and I want to rearrange this room a little bit before I do. Hopefully by tonight I'll be making good use of it.

Saturday I spent all day cleaning up the clutter of this room, and he came over after work and spent the night. On Sunday, still cleaning up clutter and getting rid of shit that I don't use.

On Monday, I went over to Jersey because guess what??? I GOT A JOB!! YAY!!! Finally! I'm gonna be kickin it Kevin Smith style working as a clerk over at Fast N' Friendly in Maple Shade, NJ. OK, so it's not Red Bank, NJ and I'm not exactly Dante, but hell it's a job, and BTW, is there such a place as Red Bank? I start next week, so all you Jersey peeps can come in and harass me if you want. After my interview I went out shopping with Debbie, Lauren & Shannon and I got Paul his present. I got him Max Payne 2 for his Playstation, which costs nowhere near what he spent on me, but it's something he's wanted since it came out.

Wouldn't it figure that UC got back to me with a date for arbitration the DAY after I got hired? Oh well, fuck it now. I would like to see some retro pay coming from JC, but I'm just gonna cut my losses and move on. I'm just psyched to have a job at all.

On Tuesday I hung out with Angie over this chick Richie's house. Laid back in the yard and just chilled for a few hours so I could take a break from cleaning and organizing. It was cool. I'm gonna miss hanging out with Ang once I start work again, because they gave me the craziest hours over there. I'm hoping that we can still find time to chill together around my schedule, because if it weren't for her, I would have sat in and done shit this whole summer.

Last night Paul came over after work and he was impressed at how much progress I made with my room. He slept over, we played games...LOL. Wait until tonight when he sees the whole thing set up. I'm so excited. On that note, let me get back to backing up the rest of my files, the next entry will most definitely be from my new PC. Catch ya then!!